If You Could Choose One Thing That You Really Wanted
The one where I try to figure out what success looks
My book, UP TO SPEED: The Groundbreaking Science of Women Athletes, is out now and available wherever books are sold.
There’s a part in Emily Henry’s new book, Happy Place, that I can’t stop thinking about. The book is about a group of six friends together on vacation in Maine—something they’ve done every year for the past ten years—but this week will be the last because the cottage they always stay in is for sale.
In each of their own ways, they want this week to be perfect. And we all know what happens when your expectations are impossibly high. It’s a disaster waiting to happen and no one leaves happy.
But Harriet, the main character, has this trick that helps her manage her expectations. It started when she was ten years old because she hated her birthday; something always went wrong and she’d inevitably end up feeling disappointed. (In my mind, I’m imagining something akin to Sixteen Candles when everyone forgets Sam’s birthday but worse.)
“If I chose one thing I really wanted—and knew I could actually get—on my birthday, then no matter what else happened or didn’t, it’d be a good day. So I told my parents I wanted this Oreo cheesecake, and they got it for me, and my birthday was great.”
She suggests that the group take a similar strategy. They can’t control how everything will go during the week but they can each choose the one thing they have to do, the one thing they really need from this week. Then, no matter what else happens, the week will be a success.
In many ways, publication week has felt a lot like Harriet and her friends’ Maine vacation. I only get this experience once and I so badly want it to go well, for it to fill all these real and imagined expectations. But there is so much that’s out of my control. There’s also a lot of history and backstory and things going on off-page that I can’t (don’t?) always account for. There are a lot of complicated feelings.
I went into pub week purposefully choosing joy. Like Harriet, I tried to think about the one thing that I really wanted out of this experience. For me, it was meeting with readers and potential readers and having a really good conversation with them. I didn’t know when or where it would happen but I really wanted it to happen.
I’ve had a couple of book events so far: an author panel at the Boston Marathon, an early book talk hosted by New York Road Runners, a launch event with Athleta in Manhattan, and an event in San Francisco. They’ve all been amazing but the one that left me with the nothing-else-matters, this-book-is-a-success was a talk I gave at Berkeley High School.
There are so many reasons why this event meant so much to me.
When I thought about who I wanted to read this book, I kept picturing girls and young women, parents, and coaches because I wish I had this information about my body at a younger age, that my mom, coaches, and doctors did too. Because if we can give young women the foundation to know their bodies and understand what’s going on, we can empower them and hopefully set them up for long-term athletic development and health. And fun.
When I looked out into the audience, these were the people looking back at me. Over 100 of them. They were so engaged and asked amazing questions. I was interviewed by a sophomore student athlete who was so poised. The event was organized by my friend Rachel, someone who I’ve known since 8th grade. 8th grade! I left feeling so hopeful.
But if I’m being honest, as buoyed as I felt a week ago, it’s hard not to feel tossed around by the torrent of waves that is publishing. Amidst all the good, I’ve also felt like a failure.
Despite getting the one thing that I wanted out of my book launch. Despite seeing my book in stores. Despite receiving numerous notes from readers saying that they are so grateful for this book. Despite friends and family showing UP for me.
Champagne problems and a little overdramatic, I know, but it’s also the reality of how things can feel when you’re in it. You can be experiencing a career high point while also struggling. Because yes, I’ve been struggling. Anxiety and depression like to spin wild tales to tell my brain and my brain always listens.
I had a different newsletter planned for today, something shiny and sparkly about launching a book into the world. About this being the best moment in my career.
And in many ways it is and it has been. Being able to connect with readers. Reading comments and feedback. Knowing that this book of my heart exists in the world today and that people can find it in bookstores is overwhelming.
But it’s also not the full picture. Carly Fortune, bestselling author of Every Summer After and Meet Me At the Lake, posted something on Instagram today that helped me realize that this is the newsletter I wanted to send today. I hope it’s not a bad look for all the new subscribers that have joined since UP TO SPEED was published but it’s a real picture of me.
Thank you for being here. For your support. For buying the book or requesting it from your library. For telling a friend about it. For reading it. For leaving a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or Barnes and Noble if you liked it. Go ahead and copy that review and share it on all the sites!
If you haven’t yet, please consider leaving a review? It really helps to spread the word about the book (because algorithms and all) and get it into the hands of more readers.
Events!
Boston: June 13, 7pm at Porter Square Books: Boston Edition
I’ll be in conversation with Mary Cain. Mary had a record-breaking professional running career. After sharing her story in a New York Times Op-Ed, Mary has dedicated her career to driving change in sport with an emphasis on athlete well-being and gender equity.
I cannot wait for this one. RSVP for the event here.
Interviews and Media
Here’s a round-up of some of the media coverage for UP TO SPEED.
I wrote an op-ed for Time on why silencing talk of periods and menstrual cycles hurts athletes.
I’ve been a guest on several podcasts to discuss the book: Running for Real, I’ll Have Another, The Mindset Advantage, Run Farther and Faster, KERA/Think, Women’s Performance Podcast, Radio Health Journal, Principles of Performance, Hear Her Sports, Another Mother Runner, and Real Fit podcast. There are several more episodes in the cooker and that should be released over the next month or so.
You can read an excerpt of the book on Outside and another on Runner’s World.
Up to Speed was reviewed in Women’s Running. I was did a Q&A for The Washington Post and was interviewed for a story in STAT and Michael Easter’s 2% newsletter.
What I’m reading and listening to
Sports stories are really a reflection of larger human stories, who we leave out and what we miss when the narrative about sports (and who it’s for) is narrowly defined. This podcast about Olympic figure skater Debi Thomas is so good.
I love Friday Night Lights, especially the women.
This episode of Nobody Asked Us with Des and Kara is worth listening to. They talk to Trey Hardee, 2x World Champion and Olympic silver medalist in the decathlon, about the transition from world-class athlete to retirement and mental health. It’s a very real and raw conversation.
Lululemon making a bigger bet on women. They announced a new initiative—Further—designed to understand female endurance and close the gender data gap in sports science research.
Thanks for being here. More soon.
Christine
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Oh, I’m so so glad you did the full picture, real life post. I can relate, to expectations, to feeling a little down even though you are in the midst of something extraordinary. Why? What’s wrong me, I think. But really nothing. I am human. To allow all that to have space and yet to focus on the good so that rises. Thanks for this.
I have your book ordered and am eager to read it. Thanks for this candid post. I followed another writer last year on her substack as she described launching her excellent book. You might appreciate her post about the occasional humiliation of launching a book and going on tour: https://erikabolstad.substack.com/p/when-no-one-shows-up
I see you linked to Lululemon's Further initiative. I know some of the women athletes chosen to participate, and they're bursting with enthusiasm and now evangelizing Lululemon (as is part of Lululemon's intent and deal). But I am skeptical of it and see it mainly as a way for Lululemon to gain market share, and their science research and promotion of these women as role models is secondary to the business deal. I did not like how they took them out of their natural environment and did that glamorous Vogue-like photo shoot; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Also, I would like to ask them if they talked openly about their contract salaries (doubtful) and made sure they were each getting a fair and good deal; e.g. is Mirna getting the same as Camille? This could have been a chance for women athletes to band together and demand equal and higher pay, but my hunch is they had to sign NDAs and it's likely not equal. Anyway, sorry, rant over!