Maybe It's All About the Number
I’ve been low-key obsessed with the Instagram account @rudeassenneagram. I can’t remember how I came across this account, probably a recommendation from a friend who sent me a link saying, “ha ha. this is totally you.”
I’m not really into things like astrology or tarot. Admittedly, I am weirdly superstitious when it comes to watching sports. Like I didn’t watch Mason Crosby’s first three field goal attempts in the Green Bay Packers’ Sunday night’s game against the Detroit Lions (he made them), but I kind of watched his fourth kick and he missed (shouldn't have watched). Or, if a tennis player starts losing a match once I start watching, I will turn the match off if I want them to win.
I know nothing about enneagrams but I quickly figured out that I’m probably a Type 9. Every time I see a post, I feel attacked and trolled. Like this one:
While this little corner of social media is amusing, it also made me realize how paradoxical the inner workings of my mind can be at times.
Why yes, I do ignore my own needs and boundaries in order keep the peace. I do often confuse numbing myself from any emotion with feeling calm. I tend to put things on hold or I’m so busy scanning the horizon for the negative, for something to fix, that I often don’t just let myself be fully in my body and my life.
And with it being my debut year, I can already feel this need to control things, to wait for external recognition in order to feel like my book counts. Or to numb myself out in order to stave off the disappointment when that validation doesn’t materialize. Or just letting fear dictate everything.
I used to choose a word of the year. It was more like an intention than a resolution for the new year, something like a touchstone to organize and focus my actions. I dropped this practice a few years ago. I think it lost a bit of its magic or maybe it felt like another thing on a long list of things I had to do at the end of the year.
But sometime in late December, I found myself drawn to the idea of picking a word for 2023. Instead of a word, I landed on a phrase: work-in-progress.
We often think of success and thriving and “living our best life” as what we see in the highlight reels and those year-end reflections posted on social media.
For me, the past year has felt like a game of chutes and ladders. Climbing and achieving the things that I’ve had my eyes trained on for a long time (A soon-to-be-published book! Kids who are thriving!) only to reach the top and slip down—literally and metaphorically. Sometimes it’s only a slip of a rung or two. Other times, it’s felt like taking a long ride down, setting me back 60 spaces on the board.
What if thriving isn’t a state that we achieve but rather the work that we do in our day-to-day lives? The work that we do to meet our bodies, minds, and emotions where they are right then and there? Not an act to try to move ourselves to a supposed “better place,” but a recognition of how we can support ourselves in that moment?
What if we (by which I really mean me, of course) accept the full range of emotions and experiences presented to us, including the parts that we normally want to ignore and push aside? Because it’s all part of our existence as a human being. How can we fully thrive if we deny and try to excise those parts?
Because I don’t want to miss out on being here, being human, being alive.
This year, I want to be braver.
I want more connection and joy.
I want to fill my life with art and music and books.
I want to find my writer people.
I want to find my people people.
I want protect of my boundaries too.
I want to feel ease and strength in my body. (Both can exist at the same time!)
So, in other words, a work in progress.
*********
What I’m watching: From Scratch on Netflix, mainly for the scenes of Florence and listening to conversations in Italian. It made me really nostalgic for my college days when I studied art history in Florence. Also watching Andor with my kids.
What I’m reading: Nostalgia really hit hard this New Year so I’m re-reading Sophie Cousens’ This Time Next Year. I’m also eagerly awaiting my copy of Lauren Fleshman’s memoir/manifesto Good for a Girl: A Woman Running in a Man’s World to arrive. It debuts tomorrow!
Plus, these two articles on alcohol in the biking community and running community, by Gloria Liu and A.C. Shilton, respectively. They are both really well-written and reported stories that dive into the relationship between booze within these communities and has given me a lot to think about.
What I’m listening to: Book Exploder is a podcast from the people behind Song Exploder. Instead of musicians breaking down their songs, piece-by-piece, here, writers take apart a passage from their work and how they wrote it. It’s hosted by Susan Orlean and she talks to authors like Celeste Ng, Min Jin Lee, George Saunders, and Tayari Jones. It is fab.
Happy New Year, friends.
Christine
P.S. Up to Speed: The Groundbreaking Science of Women Athletes is available for pre-order wherever books are sold!
P.P.S. You can find an archive of previous newsletters here and subscribe here.
____________
www.christinemyu.com
Twitter
Instagram