I really liked this piece! One thing I am actively working on is separating my worth from my productively, as well as reframing what productivity means to me. I think that we have a cultural definition that hangs over everyone and serves as a sort of metric, but when applying the positive regard theory, I think we can adjust our understanding of productivity and see we’re all doing more than we think, especially when we work to grow in a positive way!
It’s so basic, I’m almost like leery to say, but I just try to separate myself from societal expectations. I haven’t been on social media for the last year and that has helped me a lot with not using that culture as a metric. I set goals for myself, work toward them, and recognize the work I put in as me being productive!
I’m 28 and I find that a lot of the people who are where I want to be have much more realistic insight to what the journey would look like. I do a lot of reading on those people for me to create a “mental image” of what I need to do to achieve it (productive markers, but I am making them and with a good frame of reference in mind) and commit.
Wow. Lots to ponder in your musings on productivity. I think the concept of “being productive” is entrenched in our culture. I remember my dad, when he saw me just “hanging out” as a teenager on a weekend, would comment on me “not being productive.” I took that criticism to heart, caring more what he (and others) perceived, rather than listening to my inner voice.
Learning to find that still, small voice amidst the din of outside influences is hard and something that I continue to cultivate. For me, carving out time to day dream, be outside in nature, or playing the piano helps draw my attention inward. The trick, though, is to make that time for yourself as valued and non-negotiable an activity fit into the rest of your daily commitments. Once you do, you begin to find a flow and others around you begin to notice, appreciate, and understand how vital that time is. And perhaps, they, too, will begin to seek out that space to find, explore, and listen to their own still small voice.
I love that you carve out time for those activities and you're absolutely right that others will notice that it matters too. That is one thing that I do need to better.
This post made me think not just about my own self-criticism regarding productivity, but also how I could be more accepting, trusting, and supportive of my 23-year-old son, who moved home temporarily after his college graduation and is off to a different place today to find a job and follow his heart. Mostly, I express trust and belief in him, as described in the passage about unconditional positive regard. But I'm kicking myself for voicing criticism yesterday about his thin resume. He'll figure things out and grow. Meanwhile, the passage made me more deeply appreciate my husband and his support. He encourages me when I go off to writing retreats or to running events, not expecting anything in return and not expecting a certain level of performance or productivity. "You do you, go have fun," he says. But implicit in that sentiment is his request that I let him be and not try to change or mold him to do or be certain ways; e.g. get off his back about exercising.
Thank you for this thoughtful essay, and good luck with your writing project. It'll take shape, if you keep feeding it little by little. If you're like me, and it sounds like we're alike, we can self-sabotage with an all-or-nothing approach to working on projects we care about, so it can help to remember, "some is better than none."
I know that so much of this self-criticism around productivity is self-imposed. It's not like my husband or kids expect a report on what I accomplished but still, I feel like I need to have something to show for it. I think that's in part why working on my writing project has also been hard sometimes because it's not necessarily time spent on a paid writing assignment or a project that will guarantee a monetary return. It just brings joy to me.
So much to think about here…unconditional positive regard is quite the concept. I’ll be thinking about what it would mean to give that to myself for a good long time.
I took myself on a writing retreat once, sure I would get a lot done. What I realized I needed more than anything was the spaciousness to sit in hot tub, drive around and look at a gingerbread house, walk winter gardens, buy and eat too much cheese, and spread starfish across a king sized bed. That last one was the image that stuck with me ... the space to spread out and not DO. I didn't write a lot of words on that retreat, but it was exactly what I needed.
As for the not liking cooking post, I couldn't read the whole thing, but I know I still like cooking, but I hate making dinner. I love cooking with friends (a few in particular) and I love when I have time to get into a rhythm in the kitchen, but I hate figuring out what everyone will eat and how to get it done between pick up and the next event and thinking ahead so we have leftovers for lunch and ...
I love that image of starfishing across the bed. I wish I thought to do that too. It is about spaciousness, isn't it?
And what you said about cooking vs. making dinner is so true. Making dinner is what really sucks the life out of me. Managing everyone else's likes/dislikes and the logistics of it all is really really the worst.
As a former player and coach, I have great memories of the best coaches who, as you wrote, had unconditional positive regard for their players. As a health coach now, that is still one of the pillars. Thank you - great post!
I really liked this piece! One thing I am actively working on is separating my worth from my productively, as well as reframing what productivity means to me. I think that we have a cultural definition that hangs over everyone and serves as a sort of metric, but when applying the positive regard theory, I think we can adjust our understanding of productivity and see we’re all doing more than we think, especially when we work to grow in a positive way!
Curious if you've found a strategy that helps you with the reframing?
It’s so basic, I’m almost like leery to say, but I just try to separate myself from societal expectations. I haven’t been on social media for the last year and that has helped me a lot with not using that culture as a metric. I set goals for myself, work toward them, and recognize the work I put in as me being productive!
I’m 28 and I find that a lot of the people who are where I want to be have much more realistic insight to what the journey would look like. I do a lot of reading on those people for me to create a “mental image” of what I need to do to achieve it (productive markers, but I am making them and with a good frame of reference in mind) and commit.
I hope this makes sense!
Definitely makes sense! Thank you for sharing this.
Wow. Lots to ponder in your musings on productivity. I think the concept of “being productive” is entrenched in our culture. I remember my dad, when he saw me just “hanging out” as a teenager on a weekend, would comment on me “not being productive.” I took that criticism to heart, caring more what he (and others) perceived, rather than listening to my inner voice.
Learning to find that still, small voice amidst the din of outside influences is hard and something that I continue to cultivate. For me, carving out time to day dream, be outside in nature, or playing the piano helps draw my attention inward. The trick, though, is to make that time for yourself as valued and non-negotiable an activity fit into the rest of your daily commitments. Once you do, you begin to find a flow and others around you begin to notice, appreciate, and understand how vital that time is. And perhaps, they, too, will begin to seek out that space to find, explore, and listen to their own still small voice.
I love that you carve out time for those activities and you're absolutely right that others will notice that it matters too. That is one thing that I do need to better.
This post made me think not just about my own self-criticism regarding productivity, but also how I could be more accepting, trusting, and supportive of my 23-year-old son, who moved home temporarily after his college graduation and is off to a different place today to find a job and follow his heart. Mostly, I express trust and belief in him, as described in the passage about unconditional positive regard. But I'm kicking myself for voicing criticism yesterday about his thin resume. He'll figure things out and grow. Meanwhile, the passage made me more deeply appreciate my husband and his support. He encourages me when I go off to writing retreats or to running events, not expecting anything in return and not expecting a certain level of performance or productivity. "You do you, go have fun," he says. But implicit in that sentiment is his request that I let him be and not try to change or mold him to do or be certain ways; e.g. get off his back about exercising.
Thank you for this thoughtful essay, and good luck with your writing project. It'll take shape, if you keep feeding it little by little. If you're like me, and it sounds like we're alike, we can self-sabotage with an all-or-nothing approach to working on projects we care about, so it can help to remember, "some is better than none."
I know that so much of this self-criticism around productivity is self-imposed. It's not like my husband or kids expect a report on what I accomplished but still, I feel like I need to have something to show for it. I think that's in part why working on my writing project has also been hard sometimes because it's not necessarily time spent on a paid writing assignment or a project that will guarantee a monetary return. It just brings joy to me.
So much to think about here…unconditional positive regard is quite the concept. I’ll be thinking about what it would mean to give that to myself for a good long time.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this too. It feels like such a foreign concept!!
I took myself on a writing retreat once, sure I would get a lot done. What I realized I needed more than anything was the spaciousness to sit in hot tub, drive around and look at a gingerbread house, walk winter gardens, buy and eat too much cheese, and spread starfish across a king sized bed. That last one was the image that stuck with me ... the space to spread out and not DO. I didn't write a lot of words on that retreat, but it was exactly what I needed.
As for the not liking cooking post, I couldn't read the whole thing, but I know I still like cooking, but I hate making dinner. I love cooking with friends (a few in particular) and I love when I have time to get into a rhythm in the kitchen, but I hate figuring out what everyone will eat and how to get it done between pick up and the next event and thinking ahead so we have leftovers for lunch and ...
I love that image of starfishing across the bed. I wish I thought to do that too. It is about spaciousness, isn't it?
And what you said about cooking vs. making dinner is so true. Making dinner is what really sucks the life out of me. Managing everyone else's likes/dislikes and the logistics of it all is really really the worst.
As a former player and coach, I have great memories of the best coaches who, as you wrote, had unconditional positive regard for their players. As a health coach now, that is still one of the pillars. Thank you - great post!
It really is what makes a good coach, isn't it?