Will this cure burnout?

The one where I take a full-time job

Dan Flavin at the Dia Bridgehampton

Last week, Slate published an essay by Eden Robins. Robins wrote about how she worked a corporate job but decided to quit and became a crossing guard instead.

It sounds absurd, one of those gimmicky personal essays that used to be everywhere on the internet. The kind where it’s slightly awkward, definitely confessional, and where the writer inevitably learns some big life lesson by the end. 

Of course I clicked on the link. 

But as I started reading, it was like being hit by déjà vu. Robins writes:

“On paper, things were looking pretty great for me this spring: My debut novel came out in November 2022, and I was working on a second novel under contract. I had a full-time job as a writer at a mental health startup that was remote and paid well, with nice Zoom co-workers and a mission that resonated with me…But my own mental health was terrible. I felt exhausted, anxious, stressed, and weirdly lonely. There never seemed to be enough time. I was languishing. Something had to give, but I couldn’t imagine what or how.” 

Substitute “debut nonfiction book” for “debut novel”, “May 2023” for “November 2022”, and “freelance journalist” for “writer at a mental health startup” and she could have been writing about my life this past year. I too was languishing. I too had a hard time doing my job as a journalist while continually marketing and promoting my book and managing the opportunities that came along with it. I had a hard time managing the expectations associated with this new phase of my career let alone muster up the creative energy to do anything new in any sort of meaningful way. 

Something had to give.

What Do You Do When the Systems Stop Working?

The Fallacy of Deep Water

For Robins, it was seeing a sign in her neighborhood recruiting people to become school crossing guards. She says that a big reason she worked a full-time job was because it paid the bills and provided benefits, which in turn allowed her to write. The crossing guard job only required 10 hours a week and offered benefits, a dream scenario that would allow her to devote more attention to her creative pursuits.

For me, it was coming across a job listing at a university that ticked all the boxes I cared about when I wasn’t even looking for a job. (Fully remote! Science communications and research writing! Benefits!) I applied on a whim. I haven’t applied for a real job in over 10 years. Did I even have a resume? Did people still submit cover letters?

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it. I had heard so many horror stories about the job market. How people had been strung along by hiring committees for months only to be ghosted. How they had to complete multiple edit tests and pitch a long list of story ideas to even get to the first round of interviews. How no one ever responded to applications. So I was shocked when I heard back from the hiring manager the day after I submitted my application and even more shocked when the interview process zipped along. 

I was offered the job a month after applying and I started last week, a day before I read Robins’ essay.

As a freelancer, part of the allure is that you keep your own schedule. I can work any time I want! I can make my own schedule! I can work anywhere!

But I never ended up making a real schedule so work often bled into all hours of my day, my weekends, my vacations. Maybe I’m just a bad freelancer because I never set up the systems or business plan or marketing plan to ensure that I wasn’t constantly in a reactive mode. There’s also the reality of constantly hustling and drumming up new work and ideas. If I’m being honest, this is the part of the job I hate and struggle with the most. And after doing this for more than 10 years, my nervous system is frayed. 

It sounds weird but a big part of why I took this job was because I wanted more boundaries around my work and my work day. Maybe I’m being naive but I hope that by having more structure and clarity around my work, it will reduce some of the frenetic energy that’s constantly buzzing around me. That if I can reduce some of the noise and stress around this one part of my life, that my nervous system can finally calm down. That maybe I can rest and recover and re-engage with me. 

(To be clear, I am really excited about the actual job itself. It allows me to focus on science communications which 1) I love doing and 2) I believe is so important. There’s so much good research happening at universities but so much of it is stuck behind the ivory tower.)

I’m not going to lie. The state of journalism and media did play a role in my decision. There were over 20,000 media jobs cut in 2023 including over 2,500 in the news industry. Sports media wasn’t immune. I mean, The New York Times shut down its sports department last year.

Frankie de la Cretaz

addressed this in a recent newsletter, writing:

“The freelance market is in shambles, especially sports media. There is just nowhere for me to even send sports stories, aside from a publication here or there. It makes getting pitches accepted really difficult, in a way I have never experienced.”

It’s hard to find places willing to take chances on stories that aren’t solely focused on SEO or selling products. It also makes getting and keeping regular clients hard too (which means I don’t have to pitch constantly).

If I’m really being honest, there is a part of me that thinks, Really? This is how you choose to follow-up publishing your first book?

It feels like it’s a letdown. But to who? And does that matter? What if taking a step in another direction actually leads to bigger and better things that I don’t even know exist yet?

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I’ve written a lot of articles along the lines of, “New year, New YOU!” This idea that once we flip the calendar page, we’re all somehow beholden to remaking ourselves. Because we’re all flawed, right? Who couldn’t use some improvement? Who doesn’t want to be better?

I get it. There’s something seductive about turning a new page. We can set goals and make resolutions. We can set intentions and make plans. We can start over. 

But it’s a lot of pressure, isn’t it?

Normally, I’m a sucker for setting goals and plans and intentions but I spent some time over the holidays trying to come up with my plan for the year and felt uninspired. I realized that looking ahead and plotting how to get up the next step on the ladder has been a coping mechanism. It’s a way to speed past the moment at hand and not have to think too deeply about it. By breaking down my goals into manageable steps, I don’t necessarily have to reckon with things that aren’t working right now because I’m so focused on getting to some arbitrary final outcome.

But we never really do get to that final destination. There’s always something more, something next, something else to strive for.

Instead, I thought about what I wanted more of in the my life this year—and what I wanted less of. Once I thought about it in those terms, I came up with my two lists pretty quickly.

MORE

joy and laughs

words

water

movement

art

vegetables

friend time

questions 

space

LESS

feeling obligated 

scrolling

alcohol

judgement

people pleasing grumps

What do you want more and less of in 2024? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

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Book Stuff!

Just as I was saying that I was done with book promotion—ha! It never ends!—I have a couple of book-related events coming up.

January 16 - New York City

7pm at P&T Knitwear, 180 Orchard Street, NY, NY

I’m so excited to help celebrate Jacqueline’s book, The Fruit Cure: The Story of Extreme Wellness Turned Sour. Jacqueline is an incredible writer, runner, and artist. (Have you seen her amazing watercolors?) I’m so honored to be in conversation with her.

Here’s what I said about her book: "The Fruit Cure is an eye-opening, at turns heartbreaking, and long overdue reckoning of wellness culture—the scammy cures, miracle diets, and broken systems that operate like an elaborate MLM scheme, ensnaring people in an endless pursuit of promised cures. Part memoir, part cultural critique, Alnes takes us on a relatable journey through the world of fruitarianism and introduces us to a cast of complicated characters behind the raw food lifestyle. It’s a fantastic look at wellness and diet culture and the influencer economy, all done with nuance, humor, and empathy."

It’s free but please register here.

January 30 - Virtual

Virtual, 6pm PST / 9pm EST

Up to Speed is Road Runner Sports January book club pick! Come join their discussion! I’ll be there to answer questions too.

Also free but please register!

February 7 - San Francisco

6:30pm, Covenant & Stuart Hall School

In honor of National Girls and Women in Sports Day, I’ll be in San Francisco to discuss the myths and gender bias in sports and how we can build a better future for girls and women. This talk is hosted by the National Organization of Minority Athletic Directors, The Bay Area Conference, San Francisco University High School, and Convent & Stuart Hall. It’s aimed at athletic directors, coaches, parents, and student athletes.

If you are in town, please come! The event is open to the public and free. Advance registration is requested.

Oh! Up to Speed was a 2023 Science Friday Book Pick and chosen as one of the best books by Women’s Running!

I should say that I still plan on focusing on this newsletter and to continue to share stories that matter to me especially around women’s sports and the science behind sports, health, and performance.

Thanks for being here. More soon.

Christine