What Do You Do When the Systems Stop Working?

Or the one where I left my computer on an airplane

I left my computer on an airplane last week.

If you know me at all, you probably know that my computer is my lifeline. When I went on an overnight trip this fall, I left my computer at home. When I told a friend this, she texted me, “ARE YOU OK?” You may also know that while I may not always be the tidiest person, I am organized. I know where my things are. I have a system to keep track of my things, especially while traveling. When I take out my computer to work on the plane, I immediately put it back in my carry-on when I’m finished. There’s a system.

But somehow, the system broke down and I left my computer on the plane. I didn’t even realize I had left it behind until I got home.

It seems like an apt metaphor for this year. So many of my tried-and-true systems have broken down or no longer serve me and I’ve been trying to find a hold—any hold—to keep myself upright.

This year has been a lot of things. Sometimes it’s felt like your voice after a hit of helium—light, silly, etherial, exhilarating. Sometimes it’s felt like trying to walk through the stickiest New England mud during mud season. Sometimes it’s felt like slamming headfirst into a wall at full speed. And while I’ve felt this way before in the past and in various iterations, it has felt different this year. It’s been harder to find my footing amidst the change. It’s taken longer. Some of my usual coping mechanisms haven’t been available (hi, running. I miss you so much) while others don’t quite work the same as before. The systems aren’t working.

More than anything, it’s left me feeling ungrounded, both in my body and mind. Wobbly. Off-kilter. Unstructured. Does that even make sense? There’s been a lot of things happening externally—work, life, family, home—and sometimes I’ve felt like I’ve gotten lost in the shuffle. Who I am. What I want.

Been feeling wobbly like these canal houses in Amsterdam, whose foundation has shifted over time because the ground underneath is soft peat and clay.

The thing I’ve realized that I want more than anything in the upcoming year is to come back to myself. But I realize that I have this tendency to keep myself busy as a way to avoid all the hard stuff and uncomfortable feelings. Whether it’s productivity dysmorphia or my extremely loud inner achievement critic that’s behind this, it’s so much easier to bury myself in work rather than actually reckon with those questions: Who am I? What do I want?

And in doing so, I also tend to speed through my days with an eye on the future—tomorrow, next week, next year—when I imagine that things will somehow be better or more settled. But we all know that never happens. There’s always something else that gets in the way and all the while, you miss out on what’s happening right now.

A couple of months ago, my friend

Theodora

told me about glimmers. They are these internal or external cues that bring you a sense of joy or safety. The idea is that the glimmers help your nervous system calm down. They’re the opposite of a trigger.

So maybe that’s one place to start—identifying the glimmers in my life. Calming down my nervous system enough so that I can find my way back to myself.

• Catching up with a friend over holiday-themed cocktails in holiday-themed cups in a holiday-themed bar

• Rows and rows of canal houses and endless canals

• Vermeer’s The Milkmaid up-close and in-person

• Museum visits

• Watching my oldest kid help an older woman carry her shopping cart up the stairs from the subway station while everyone else rushed by her on their way home after work

• Mr. Napkinhead

• Full-body hugs from my younger kid

I’d love to hear about your glimmers in the comments.

End matter

1. It feels like the tides are shifting. It’s been a pretty amazing year for books about women in sports that have been written by women authors. My hope that this is just a sign of more to come. To celebrate, I’ve teamed up with an incredible group of authors to give away this dreamy stack of books. One winner will win a signed copy of each. Head over to my Instagram for details. Go enter!

2. So many people I know have been obsessed with Taylor Swift this year and many of us, myself included, have been surprised by how emotional the experience has been. I’ve talked about Taffy Brodesser-Akner’s piece on Taylor Swift for the New York Times Magazine a couple of months ago and how it helped me start to understand why I’ve been so moved by Swift and her music. But this episode of The Daily explains the phenomenon even better. Simply put, “All great art is the art that sees you.” And Swift makes you feel seen in a very real way.

3. Lastly, the newsletter will be on holiday the next couple of weeks and will return to your inboxes the week of January 8th.

Thank you all for being here. I know that the holiday season can feel like one big blur and a rush to get to the end of the year. My hope for you is that you get to slow down and take the time you need to reboot your systems if you need to, especially if they are no longer serving you. And I hope you notice a few glimmers in your life too.

Christine