Reflections from a debut author, one year later
The rollercoaster that is publishing and promoting a book
I’m a sucker for a good to-do list.
Writing down tasks and methodically crossing items off one by one is a feeling that I live for. Writing down tasks that I’ve already completed just for the pleasure of immediately crossing them off is even better. In high school, I would scrawl my to-do lists on index cards and tape them to the side of my Mac SE. These lists helped me feel like the mountain of tests, school work, and essays was manageable. I just need to get through the list. If I did, I was ready.
So it makes sense that when I thought about publishing my first book, I started a new to-do list. That list spawned into another and then another because there were so many aspects of research, writing, and promoting a book that I had to wrap my head around. Still, I believed that if I just had my lists, I could get through it. If I was prepared, if I was organized, I could feel more confident that I did the best I could to launch the book into the world. Whatever happened next was out of my control.
But if I stop and think about it, my to-do lists are a thinly veiled attempt at controlling the things I care most about—and that I ultimately have no control over. Surprise!
I never “won” when it came to my to-do lists. I still find random scraps of paper in my office, in my bag, and on my computer that I never got around to. And you know what? I still finished my manuscript. My book was still published. And last week, UP TO SPEED turned one.
The funny thing is that I never thought of myself as a writer (still feels weird to call myself that!). I was a terrible English student. I hated analyzing literature and writing essays, a fact that I am reminded of every few weeks as my kids continue to ask for my help on their English essays. (Just because I write for a living doesn’t mean I can now write English essays!)
I learned to write in my history and art history classes. I learned to research, analyze evidence, understand a piece of art or historical event within a larger context. Writing was a major part of my graduate degree in public policy and in the jobs that followed. Still, I never called myself a writer.
I feel conflicted writing to you about my book birthday. If I’m being honest, every time I come here and end up writing about the book or the publishing process or all the feelings that come along with a writing career, I let out a big sigh and my eyes rolls so far back that my mom would warn me that they’d get stuck there. You’re still talking about this? You’re still working through your feelings with doing something really big and public in your career? You’re still fighting self-doubt? Can’t we move on?
But here’s the thing: I write to process and I process by writing. While I never envisioned that I’d be a writer, I’ve always been a journaler. (OMG my adolescent journals are FILLED with so much angst.) The publishing industry is so opaque and there are so many things I didn’t know—couldn’t know—as a debut author. And every time I read about another author’s experience or compare notes, it helps me to put things in perspective. It gives me context.
11 reflections about my debut year
The absolute best part of this whole experience is hearing from readers—that what they read reflected some piece of their experience in sport and fitness and helped them understand it a little better or in a new light; that it helped them think about navigating the experience differently for themselves, for the kids in their lives; that it helped people feel like their experience wasn’t their fault or their body’s fault but really that we’ve all been navigating a system of sports and science that just never really thought about us, our experiences, or our perspective. That’s all I ever wanted for this book.
Writing and publishing a book is a both/and experience. That you can feel the highest of highs of creating something wholly on your own, of accomplishing a really big thing, a huge career milestone. There was so much good that’s come out of this experience, so many opportunities and experiences I wouldn’t trade away. That, at the same time, you can feel numb and question the whole experience of it all. I’ve often wondered if it was worth it. Because in the depths of my self-doubt and constant refreshing of my publisher’s author portal (Note to reader: Do not do this), I’ve uttered the words, “This was the biggest mistake of my career.” Because I would have been happy continuing to write articles. I didn’t need to write a book. It wasn’t something that I was itching to do. But then I wouldn’t have challenged myself in a way I’ve never been challenged before. I wouldn’t have grown as a writer and journalist. I wouldn’t have put a stake in the ground on something that I really care about. And I would have been so mad—so mad!—if a book like UP TO SPEED was published and I didn’t write it.
If I’ve learned anything over this past year, it’s that writing and publishing a book is a lesson in surrender because there’s so much that I can’t control, despite all my to-do lists. So much that a matter of chance and fancy. I can’t control what people will think of the book. I can’t control whether people will review the book. I can’t control what media coverage I get. I can’t control whether or not people will spread the word about the book. I can’t control which bookstores will and won’t carry the book. I can only know that I did my damnedest to put the very best book that I could.
Watercolor by the amazing Jacqueline Alnes (@jacquelinealnes). Nothing can prepare you for pub week or the first time you stand/sit in front of an audience who’s there to listen to you talk about your book. Especially after you’ve spent years working on it alone in your apartment.
Public speaking gets easier. Being a podcast guest is surprisingly fun. Being a guest on live TV is awkward.
I was willing to try almost anything to promote the book, even a short stint on TikTok, believing that I could somehow influence sales. Reader: I did not. The reality is is that there isn’t too much any one author can do, unless you are a big author or a big name or happened to be anointed an author to pay attention to. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t willing to try because I wanted to show my publisher that I was a good author, one who was willing to put in the work. But really, theres no way to predict the whims of the book market or control the fact that nonfiction book sales were down 5.8% last year.
Advocate for yourself. Ask questions. Don’t assume that everyone or your publishing team knows what you want or what’s important to you. When in doubt, lean on your agent. The worst that can happen is that they say no to something but then you are armed with information and can make more informed decisions for yourself.
Protect your mental health. I can’t stress this one enough. I let this slide. I was willing to do just about anything in service of the book. I said yes to pretty much everything because I figured, you never know what it could lead to. I didn’t want to close any doors. But along the way, I burned myself out in a way that I never experienced before. Do things that have nothing to do with your book or publishing. Find ways to stay curious and to nourish your creativity, even if that has nothing to do with writing or whatever your big project is.
Along those lines, lean on your friends and writing friends. Their support is invaluable. Also, they remind you to stop and celebrate each step along the way because left to my own devices, I would blow past those moments in order to continue to move forward toward some undefinable end zone where the goal posts constantly shift.
It’s one of the simplest things I’ve started doing since I started this whole writing thing: Send the note. When I read something that moves me, I will often send a note to the writer to express my admiration or appreciation. It only costs me a few minutes of time but it can mean so much to the person on the receiving end. It can take so much to create something and put it out into the world. I think sometimes we take that for granted, that artists and writers and musicians and creators will continuously produce their art without recognizing how much work it is.
It’s hard not to have your identity wrapped up in your book, especially your debut. Not only have you poured so much of your heart and soul into this project, you are putting it out into the world in such a public and vulnerable way. But your self-worth isn’t dependent on how your book performs. Your sales numbers don’t mean you’re a good or bad person. It’s taken me a long time to disentangle all these feelings because it’s hard not to think that my career and my ability to write a second book hinges on the book’s sales because to some extent it does. But still, that isn’t an indictment of my character. It just means that I care a little too much about what people think sometimes.
Again, to everyone who has read, borrowed, discussed, or remotely thought about the book, thank you from the bottom of my heart 💜 Happy one year bday to UP TO SPEED!
Is there anything you want to know about the publishing process?
Thank you for writing a book about female athlete insights; it’s about time research is being done on females in sports! I am recommending the book to my female running friends.
You wrote a book! Saying that never gets old. 😂I love looking to my bookshelves and seeing Up to Speed snuggled up there. The message of your book is so necessary. Congrats, my friend!