The De-Hustle

Untangling hustle, work ethic and productivity

Welcome new subscribers! It’s so nice to have you here. I know many of you arrived here via the Culture Study Q&A. This week’s newsletter is less women’s sports/sports science and more essay but I’ll return to those topics next time. Thanks for being here.

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Photo by Matt Ragland on Unsplash

I never liked the word hustle. 

I never really identified with it. It sounded too aggressive. Too in your face. Too determined. Too desperate? It meant putting yourself and your energy out there in a way that I was never comfortable with. It involved a level of self-confidence that I never learned to pull off. 

Growing up, hustle was always used within an athletic context. Hustle on the field. Hustle off of the field. Hustle was a way to demonstrate to Coach how bad you wanted it. And while I can be competitive as hell (ask my kids about playing board games with me), something about hustling chafed against my skin. When I began my career as a freelance journalist, it felt like a bait and switch. I thought I was starting a writing career. No one told me that I would be constantly pitching myself to editors and clients. That I would have to hustle. 

I was never good at the sales and business development aspect of my job. It was something about the act of putting yourself out there—your products and services—in a way that demands attention rather than relying on the quality of your work to draw attention. It made me squirm. You expect people to notice. You wait for people to notice. It feels too self-promotional. 

The funny thing is that I got used to the hustle and, as I’ve transitioned to a full-time job, it’s been really hard to turn off that part of my brain.

At the beginning of the year, a few editors and clients reached out about potential projects. My brain immediately began trying to figure out if I could make it work and how could I slot these assignments around the parameters of my job. I could feel my brain light up with the prospect of being productive again.

I hadn’t yet hit that stride in my new job. My days were filled with HR trainings, on-boarding tasks, and a whole lot of getting up to speed (I can never say this phrase now without cringing), trying to figure out a new institution.

I was ready to contort my schedule in all different kinds of ways to make these projects work. My husband had to stop me and remind me that the reason I took this job was so that I didn’t have to hustle. So I could slow down and have more margins around my day.

Will this cure burnout?

I realized that I still didn’t love the idea of hustling. Instead, it was the hustle of productivity and the allure of hard work that was addicting. When your self-worth and financial compensation are so connected to your output, it’s a hard thing to give up. It gives you a distorted sense of worth and validation. I’m busy! People want me! They like me! They think my work is valuable! My contribution is meaningful! And in a new job, I missed the feeling of producing and contributing. If I wasn’t doing any of that, what was my boss and team judging me on? 

(And if I’m being really honest, hiding behind my need to be productive was also a convenient way to hide from other parts of my life that weren’t great and were uncomfortable.)

Maybe hustle and work ethic are two sides of the same coin but both feel like a false virtues.

I like working hard. I identify with working hard. I have a good “work ethic.” It’s a narrative that I’ve told myself and has followed me around since grade school. If I couldn’t be the smartest, most talented, most athletic, or most popular, I would work the hardest. But along the way, I lost sight of the purpose of all the hard work. Why was I doing this? Why was I killing myself just to fill my day with productivity? I think there is a part of me deep down feels like I’m not as good of a person if I’m not working hard, contributing, or proving my worth. 

A couple of weeks ago, my son asked me what I’d written so far at work. I told him nothing. I was still looking for stories and talking to faculty members. 

“And they still pay you?” he asked.

“Yup.” 

I realized he’s never seen either me or his dad work a full-time job. We’ve always worked for ourselves. He knew that we only get paid when we have projects or assignments. 

But I want my kids to know that it’s OK to pause and rest. That there’s more than just making the most out of every hour in the day, including the weekends, or to zip through a long to-do list. That their worth isn’t tied to outputs and achievements. 

Last week, my therapist said, “You seem lighter.”

“I do?”

“You do. What changed?”

I turned down the freelance assignments. I close my computer at 5pm and don’t think about work until the next morning. I try really hard not to answer the siren call of just doing one more thing or to be seen as the hardest worker.  

I still struggle with feeling that I’m not “productive” enough.

But what’s enough?

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Links and Things

• I loved doing this Q&A with

  Anne Helen Petersen
  over on Culture Study. She asked such good questions.

• Elle freaking St. Pierre. American record and World Indoor title in the 3000m at the World Indoor Championships in Glasgow. She is flying on the last lap.

• Nikki Hiltz and Emily Mackay winning silver and bronze medals respectively in the 1500m at the World Indoor Championships. I loved these post-race photos. There is so much joy.

nikkihiltz

A post shared by @nikkihiltz

• March 11 at 6pm at the Hoxton Hotel in Williamsburg! In celebration of Women’s History Month, join me and adidas Runners NYC to discuss everything from the systemic injustices embedded in sports and science, the effects of hormonal birth control on female athletes, and ways to better understand our body's needs to optimize training at all stages of life. More info here.

Thanks for being here. More soon.

Christine